Sunday, May 16, 2010

Something has change within me, something is not the same

I see myself as someone with low ambitions. Why? Because I care too much. I always care about what people think and feel, from the time I was small, at least towards the people that matters to me. Plus, I have a sensitive nature, so it adds that that I-care-a lot-about-what-people-think-attitude. Initially, I thought being sensitive is a good thing. I mean now out of the 3 closest friend I have, 2 of them are girls. I do not have high ego, I do not like confrontation though I do not bow down easily when I know I am right.

Then again, if that person is important to me, I will somehow, one way or another give in.

I have my many fair share of experiences when it comes to being influenced (either directly or indirectly) in making decisions. If they show a tiny sense of dissatisfaction or dislike, my mind would set into an auto-pilot mode, searching for other alternatives or preparing myself for disappointment. That's pretty much who I am and what I have been for as long as I could remember. Sometimes I wonder how other guys could be..selfish? Guys at my age, a lot of them can act without thinking. Just go as they like..go with the flow and live life without any stress or burden.

I think I am a softie inside. (ewww?)

How I wish I could be in their shoes. Living the life in the early twenties. I mean, we get to be 20 only once and with the rate I am going now, I feel like I am 30 years old. I always have worry, burden, emotionally unstable and so on and so forth. That's what mostly girls would feel. I need more guy friends. I need to immerse myself into a guy's world. Because my problem has just gotten worse especially in the past few months. Everyday just feels so heavy for me.

Probably I should drink more, smoke some pot or things like that. Hey, my mum once said to me, you're 20 now and at this age, its your time to go haywire. Just dont go make a girl pregnant.

Hmmm. Probably I should take a cue from my mom, go haywire and have the teenage-drunkard-stoning-attitude who when you say something, all he could reply is "worddd" . lol.

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