The place is cold and lonely

Please.

Just tell me what do you want me to do. Don't keep me hanging.

I am begging you.

You do not know how much it hurts being here.

Self confident issues at helm with sinking ship temporary steadied.

I constantly have this niggling feeling that I am always not good enough for the newspaper industry as I have always been quite bad at using flowery words. Plus, my grammatical mistakes are aplenty.

I forgot that I am only 20 sometimes and I often thought of myself as an adult. I mean, it aint easy working for a newspaper organisation. Not many 20 year olds can make it to where I am (I am certainly not boasting). So this mean, extra pressure which is unnecessary most of the time. I always try not to screw up and try to be as perfect as possible. But what did not cross my mind was that to learn is to make mistakes.

Another factor why I feel I am not up to par is because of that nervousness whenever I need to interview someone, even to people I know! I did tons of interviews before (including my time in KL for my training) and one would expect me to be a seasoned veteran or at least not be nervous or have the butterfly-in-the-stomach kind of feeling, but I always do! It seems that I could not put the experiences I have to good use. Sigh sigh sigh.

Thank goodness, I have heard stories from seniors and older people that it takes time to fit in. It is a comforting thought that I am still 20 and have much to learn but I do not wanna take that as a reason. I mean, I can't be 20 forever and Ive gotta start looking for ways to get rid of this problem. Ive got a headstart now and I intend to make the best out of it but at times I wonder, can I really make it?

I have always like to be special. Probably it's a Gemini trait. Now, I feel special with the what I have achieved so far (albeit not too big of an achievement). I know I can't rest on my laurels now and have to be constantly on my toes.

Next up on the list is personal life.

I've steadied by leaking ship but there are still chances that it will turn out to be the next Titanic. Time is probably what I need the most now together with support to plug the hole of this shinking ship. However, with the progress I am making now, I will probably arrive at the port in no time.


I hate it when people judge blindlessly.

Something has change within me, something is not the same

I see myself as someone with low ambitions. Why? Because I care too much. I always care about what people think and feel, from the time I was small, at least towards the people that matters to me. Plus, I have a sensitive nature, so it adds that that I-care-a lot-about-what-people-think-attitude. Initially, I thought being sensitive is a good thing. I mean now out of the 3 closest friend I have, 2 of them are girls. I do not have high ego, I do not like confrontation though I do not bow down easily when I know I am right.

Then again, if that person is important to me, I will somehow, one way or another give in.

I have my many fair share of experiences when it comes to being influenced (either directly or indirectly) in making decisions. If they show a tiny sense of dissatisfaction or dislike, my mind would set into an auto-pilot mode, searching for other alternatives or preparing myself for disappointment. That's pretty much who I am and what I have been for as long as I could remember. Sometimes I wonder how other guys could be..selfish? Guys at my age, a lot of them can act without thinking. Just go as they like..go with the flow and live life without any stress or burden.

I think I am a softie inside. (ewww?)

How I wish I could be in their shoes. Living the life in the early twenties. I mean, we get to be 20 only once and with the rate I am going now, I feel like I am 30 years old. I always have worry, burden, emotionally unstable and so on and so forth. That's what mostly girls would feel. I need more guy friends. I need to immerse myself into a guy's world. Because my problem has just gotten worse especially in the past few months. Everyday just feels so heavy for me.

Probably I should drink more, smoke some pot or things like that. Hey, my mum once said to me, you're 20 now and at this age, its your time to go haywire. Just dont go make a girl pregnant.

Hmmm. Probably I should take a cue from my mom, go haywire and have the teenage-drunkard-stoning-attitude who when you say something, all he could reply is "worddd" . lol.

Hum hum hum hum hum

people say, if you're not hapy at something. You either get rid of it or stay away from it. But anyone in this world, could you please explain to me why I could not do either of those two things now?

Its pretty dreadful here. Man, I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. God, angels, or fairy godmothers, I need a solution now.

I. Am. Desperate.
lol.

Now I aint saying she a gold digger

Okay, I am pretty sure most of you here are aware of the Aminulrasyid Amzah's case. Many (or should I say most) of you out there are faulting the police for killing the 15 year old kid, who drove illegally in the middle of the night, was part of an accident and eventually leading to the car chase. Now, is it me or is the public forgetting the fact that the kid is driving illegally and did not stop when the cop warned him to pull up at the side?

Many critics have said that the whole thing has been covered up and that the authorities are making up their own stories and evidence. However, what prove do these critics have? Were they on the scene of the crime then? The fact is, the kid went out in the middle of the night at 2am, drove the car out illegally and was spotted by the cop. No offense to the parents, instead of blaming the cops for their son's death, why not look at themselves first?

If you were a cop, and the car that you have signalled to pull over suddenly sped off. What will your reaction be? They gave chase and it is alleged that the kid tried to run down the cops as well. Plus, the area is prone to many robbery cases so if I were the cop, I would have used my gun as well. Not only that, it might have caused further accidents which will result in possible fatalities to the innocent ones. What happen if someone wanted to cross the road during the car chase? He/she will get knocked down. Or some innocent motorist going home after a long night shift? So much is at staked and you dont expect the police to let all that happen right?

No, I am not siding the cops. I am looking at the neutral point of view where I take everything into consideration. All those rumours bout the cover ups, they are just rumours, not hard facts. It is a wonder those people who created the facebook group that goes 'justice to aminulrasyid' etc etc did not think of this simple fact. Sorry to say, but the parents of the victims were perhaps thinking of getting something out of this fiasco. Yea, the press might be able to interview some of Aminul's friends or relatives where they say he is a good boy etc etc etc. But if he is so good, why would he sneaked out in the middle of the night, to go out with his friends? Is that the attribute of a good boy? The media tend to add extra spice and human interest side into the story to attract more readers. Sometimes you just need to think.

So people, THINK before pointing the fingers at the authorities. Who could have figured out that the person in the car is just a 15 year old boy? Do not give the politicians any chances to politicized this issue any further.

I might be wrong, but I am saying it as I see it.

And dear Aminul, may you Rest In Peace.

This is my voice, what about you?

I've been attending Feature Writing classes this semester conducted by Mr. Aaron, one of the lecturers whose classes I enjoy going in the most. Probably its because he does not teach everything based on readings and text, but more on the current issues and it keeps our brain going, thinking about a certain issue in many different angle. This is especially a plus point for student majoring in Journalism like me.

Back to Feature Writing.

I am sure many of you, if not all of you have watched American Idol some point in your life right? And I am sure that many of you have heard the judges criticized a few of its contestant for not knowing what artist they should be, be it country, pop, rock n roll etc etc.

Same goes to Feature Writing. It is not only about writing in this case. Its about developing the writer in you. Who are you as a writer and what is your style. I have never thought about this before and truth to be told, I am still mystified on what kind of writer I am. The emotional one or the adventurous one? Poetic or Sarcastic? The Mitch Album style or Dan Brown style. The list could go on and on.

It is pretty exciting trying to find out what sort of writer you are. I mean, you thought you knew who you were in real life but in a writer's sense, it might be a different person altogether. haha. If I had to categorized myself now, I would put myself in the boring/emotional style which I hope and wished that it would not be permanent. haha.

Anyways, I'm pretty bad at fulfilling promises. I have not been updating my blog regularly to improve on my writing and it has..well, deteriorated =(

I've gotta start following this schedule again. Sigh. Self-discipline certainly needs an improvement.

Lea Michele is hot =)